Is it disheartening to experience the unexpected from your grown-up kids?

 

Is it disheartening to experience the unexpected from your grown-up kids?

Whether you believe adulthood begins at age 18, or that it is less about a number and more about maturity, the reality is that today’s young adults live in a quite different world. Crippling college admissions. A highly competitive job market. The pressure to perform—and succeed—early on. Constant comparison with peers via social media. Because of these rapid changes, new definitions of adulthood are emerging.

As parents, we tend to think that if anything goes wrong with our kids, it is our fault. Not only do we have the pressure we put on ourselves, we may also have well-meaning family members and the rest of society sending us those same blaming messages. But it is more likely that you did the absolute best you knew what and how to do at each juncture in your child’s life. Some things may have been more effective, and some less effective, but you did your best.

It can be very painful to realize that the child you worked so hard to raise is not living up to their potential. Even more disheartening is the realization that you may not have a particularly good relationship with them. Sometimes these issues can make you feel like you have failed as a parent.

The reality is, that this is now your child’s journey. Whether you approve of their career, their lifestyle, or their choice of life partner, it doesn’t change the fact that they now have the right to make their own choices. Along with that right comes the responsibility of those choices. This is what adulthood is all about. No matter what kind of upbringing a person has had, good or bad, there comes a time when they have to take responsibility for their own lives. This is easy for most of us when we are looking at another adult who is not related to us, yet it can easily be blurred when that adult happens to be your child.

At this juncture it is especially important that as parents we should have clarity of thought, instead of getting confused ourselves.

Aside from recognizing your feelings and acknowledging them, there are two important points to remember. The first is that there are very few black-and-white goals in life regarding the path your child chooses. Every person has milestones in their life, and just as we mark early childhood milestones like the first time your child walks, talks, or gets toilet trained. We can similarly mark milestones in adulthood, the first earning, first time living on their own, first serious relationship etc. Just like when your kids were younger, it is important to realize that not everyone matures at the same time and speed. However good lessons you have taught your child, interpretations can differ. Peers influence during formatting years is not always in your control.

This means that despite the fact that 18 is considered the “legal” age of adulthood, not every person who reaches 18 is truly ready for all the challenges of living independently. This is an individual choice each family needs to make, and there is no right or wrong. The key is recognizing your own gut feelings. Generally, a good “gut check” can help you determine if a boundary has been crossed. If you feel a situation is not as desired- take prompt action to rectify it.

The second and probably most important point to remember is that your children are continuously growing and changing. Just because you don’t see the fruits of your efforts yet, it does not mean that you never will.

Do your Duty- Give your Best, Take a Balanced Approach.

Love your child and do not lose hope. Be positive in your belief and continue to offer physical and emotional closeness.

Even your adult child does not have the right to be abusive to you or anyone else. Offer choices, acknowledge responsibilities and avoid dictatorship.

As in any challenging life phase, talking through the issues with peers and those in similar situations is a positive starting point—as is seeking out counsellors, mediators, and other professionals who are equipped to guide and direct—to ease the growing pains of the parent-adult child relationship. For many families, the unhealed wounds and scars of childhood for both the parent and child may need to be confronted in order to develop a healthy, grounded relationship.

Even though once you are a parent, you will always be a parent, you have a wonderful adult relationship with your kids to look forward to when they are grown. Celebrate the small victories. Own your failures. Keep going. It is when you do not give up that you win. Such is this beautiful parent-child relationship.

By

Dr. Mona Shah

Occupational Therapist, Clinical Psychologist