Attitudes are learned. It can be Re-learned

 

Attitudes are learned. It can be Re-learned

Our 5-year-old is often rude, selfish, and belligerent despite the application of various timeouts.

My 12 year old child behaves very lazy, and argues if we try to correct him.

I have a 16-year-old daughter. She is negative about everything.

My son is 18 and he is always on the defensive. He answers back more and more to his dad and me.

Does your child have an attitude? You know what I mean -- rude, selfish, insensitive, irresponsible, jealous, judgmental, and lazy -- the list goes on!

Some children just always seem to see the clouds instead of the sun.  While being negative can naturally happen to all of us at some time or the other, feeling dull and gloomy all the time is unhealthy. 

Attitudes are learned. Here we are not talking about personality temperament. We are talking about changing your child from being disrespectful to respectful, or from demanding to considerate. From bad temper to more peaceful. From unorganised to organised. From unhealthy to healthy lifestyle. Because attitude is a habit. It is not like a behaviour that is a quick time-out. These attitudes are your child's operating premise for life. So your parenting goal should be to change your child's attitude, and most important is that this is doable.

Let us understand where it comes from? First, it could be from a toxic world, copying from friends or from the media, which is pretty raunchy these days and they are watching it, or from parental guilt who hate to say no to their kids, and always wants their kids to have what they have. The list is endless, but you can turn those bad attitudes around.

Why it is important to develop positive attitude in children?

Attitude is important because your behaviour radiates how you feel. A positive outlook will teach you to be grateful for the good things you have at your home and in your life. And attitude builds foundation of healthy lifestyle.

Attitudes are windows into a child’s heart. If you help your children learn to adjust attitudes, they will have the skills necessary to develop healthy perspectives about life’s challenges and struggles as they get older.

Self-esteem and a positive attitude go hand-in-hand. Building their self-esteem through deserved praise will go a long way towards creating an optimistic attitude.

Here are some practical ways to help give your kids an attitude adjustment without losing your mind:

1. Identify Emotions.

Help your child self-express via identifying feelings and choosing words carefully when frustrated or making demands. Tell them “It is okay to tell me how you feel, but you need to speak respectfully. Even if you are tired or upset, try to stay calm.”

2. Identify Influences.

Experts agree that many of our personality traits are inborn, but some are also the result of environment.  If you have a child who is leaning toward being pessimistic instead of optimistic, you should first examine your own attitude.  You may not even know you are doing it, so pay attention to your own attitude to see if that is where your child is learning it. 

Try to identify where some of your child’s bad attitudes come from. Perhaps your child is mimicking the behaviour of someone else—a parent, sibling, friend, or even TV character—who complains or criticizes.

3. Point Out Attitudes.

Identify a thinking error that needs to change. You can offer the insight of an objective outsider. For example, if your child had a bad day and takes it out on his brother, he may need help in how to properly handle his emotions. Target more than the behaviour, look deeper to see what is causing the trouble.

4. Challenge Attitudes.

If your child is complaining about doing his chores or homework, offer motivation to change his attitude. The real reward of accomplishing something will be what motivates a change in attitude.

5. Refrain from Using Negative Labels.

 

If one child has a sunny disposition while the other is gloomy don’t point this out to your child.  Children tend to become the very person you tell them they are. 

 

6. Affirm Progress.

When you notice your child making improvements, praise him and let him know you are proud. Reinforce the correct response with some kind of encouragement. Encourage him in his progress and keep the focus positive.

To summarise, do not despair, we can indeed teach our teens to manage their attitudes and a controlled and positive approach by them will ensure that they will learn to master their attitudes instead of their attitude mastering them.

By

Dr. Mona Shah

Occupational Therapist, Clinical Psychologist