Does over indulgence harms child’s resilience?

 

Does over indulgence harms child’s resilience?

Parenting styles can vary greatly, but they all have an impact on children’s development and behavior.

Over indulgence and / or pampering comes in many forms. For example, finishing your teen's science project, paying them to do their homework, fulfilling all the demands before required and protecting your child from failure by rescuing them from their academic and personal challenges are all signs of concerning behavior.  Research shows that doing these things in excess hinders our kids' social and emotional development.

Let’s define what we mean by "Avoid Pampering." We are NOT talking about love, affection and connection. Giving hugs is not pampering. Giving compliment is not pampering. Validating feelings is not pampering.

Pampering is doing things for our children that they are perfectly capable of doing for themselves. Parents make a mistake when they pamper in the name of love. Pampering creates weakness because children develop the belief that others should do everything for them. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is to allow them to develop the belief, "I am capable." Children feel capable when they learn that they can survive the ups and downs of life.

We are all familiar with the toddler who says "Me do it!" Too many parents say, "No, you are too little. Go play." Then when they are older and we ask them to help, we are surprised when they say, "No. I'm playing." Pampered kids are often unsure how to feel good about themselves without input or praise from others."

More recently, psychologists have found that giving children too much, too soon, could turn them into self-centered adolescents and adults who can't take responsibility for their actions.

While many parents reward their children for cleaning their rooms, winning a sports competition, and doing well in school, psychologists caution against always reaching for your wallet to celebrate your kid's success. In fact, research shows that giving kids too many gadgets and goodies could backfire.

While adulthood is filled with serious responsibilities, childhood isn’t exactly stress-free. Kids take tests, learn new information, change schools, change neighborhoods, get sick, get braces, encounter bullies, make new friends and occasionally get hurt by those friends.

What helps kids in navigating these kinds of challenges is resilience. Resilient kids are problem solvers. They face unfamiliar or tough situations and strive to find good solutions. Resilience isn’t a birth right. It can be taught.

Giving our kids less instead of always offering them more helps them to deal with negative emotions. This lesson, building resiliency benefits them for years to come. They challenge us and enable us, to get the most out of every opportunity. Spoiled kids exhibit behavioral problems from being over-indulged by parents. And, unfortunately, they grow up to be spoiled adults – characterized as being disgruntled, complaining, and discontent, often hungry for more and more attention and possessions. This can all be avoided by encouraging resilience in young children.

Adults must notice and nurture children’s inherent character and strengths. When things go wrong, resilience is what helps you to cope and get through hard times. Sometimes it makes you even stronger than you were before.

Some valuable suggestions for raising resilient kids.

1.     Don’t accommodate every need

Parents needs to teach them to handle uncertainty. Overprotecting kids only fuels their anxiety.

2.     Avoid eliminating all risk. Let your kids make mistakes.

Letting kids mess up is tough and painful for parents. But it helps kids learn how to fix slip-ups and make better decisions next time. Giving kids age-appropriate freedom helps them learn their own limits.

3.     Teach them to problem-solve.

Engage your child in figuring out how they can handle challenges. Give them the opportunity, over and over, “to figure out what works and what doesn’t.”

 

4.     Help them manage their emotions.

Emotional management is key in resilience. Teach your kids that all emotions are OK. It is OK to feel angry that you lost the game or someone else finished your ice cream. Also, teach them how to overcome it and move ahead.

5.     Model resiliency.

Of course, kids also learn from observing their parents’ behaviour. Try to be calm and consistent. You cannot say to a child you want them to control their emotions, while you yourself are flipping out.

Resiliency helps kids navigate the inevitable trials.., triumphs and tribulations of childhood and adolescence. Resilient kids also become resilient adults, able to survive and thrive in the face of life’s unavoidable stressors.

By

Dr. Mona Shah

Occupational Therapist, Clinical Psychologist