Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good!

 Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good!

Dealing with the quarantine requires a new set of skills. Gone are the days when you could rely on the outside world to absorb some of this stress, distract the kids and provide a vibrant social backbone. In the mere few square feet of your home, you must now create a dynamic world that will stimulate your mind for months on end. Things sometimes don’t feel too different -with technology assisting you every step of the way, somehow the world seems to be carrying on. But then there are those times, when time feels abstract, and you don’t know how you will get from one day to the next. To solve this, I have come to adopt a motto: “Don’t let perfection be the enemy of good!”

Mothers in a household have always been the command center of all activity. They are seasoned professionals at dealing with uncertainty, conflict, diplomacy, and resolutions. However, this ‘new normal’ unfairly burdens the mother, the wife, the daughter. Its as if the traffic at a junction has increased many folds, yet there is just one ‘Havaldar’ managing that junction -with no additional ‘Havaldars’ to help, and no automatic signals being resourced. Being that navigator for the entire household is mentally draining. Being responsible for the well-being of everyone is tiring. Being the only one expected to carry the entire burden is unfair. Yet, this is the reality of many.

So, what must one do during these times? When the journey seems insurmountable the only thing to do is put one step ahead of the other. “Just keep swimming” as Dory says in Finding Nemo. Take one day at a time and clear your mind of expectations from how things were in the past, or how you would have handled this situation “normally”. Looks like nothing is “normal” about this situation, and so you should now define realistic goals and expectations for all our tasks.

If you made 3 meals a day that were piping hot, don’t beat yourself down if you can’t do that anymore. Understand that if your family is fed, that’s good, you don’t need to have the perfect and varied 3 meals menu. If you expected your kids to perform a certain way at school, change your expectations now. It’s good if they attend online school, you don’t need to aim for perfection with the highest marks. If your house was sparkling clean before, it doesn’t have to be today. It’s good enough that things are roughly in order around the house, you don’t need to have the perfect bed sheet changing ritual.

The idea is to celebrate the little victories, instead of punishing your failures. Often, the fear of not being able to achieve a big goal, stops us from even starting! If you were able to work today, help you kids with your online classes, organize, and plan the meals for the house, that’s victory enough. Give yourself grace that you couldn’t fit in a workout during the day, or that your child missed some school assignment because you didn’t have the time to help them. Focus on how you did manage to do all the things you did manage to achieve.

Another crucial framework to use during these times is: setting expectations. While this may be hard for some more than others, if this is available to you, try to get your family together to discuss the new challenges you face. Explain to them how you’re balancing the act of perhaps being a working mother, a part-time schoolteacher, and a home manager. Most importantly, discuss how things will be different. Once you accept that ‘good’ will just do, and ‘perfect’ is not required, let your family know. Invite them to participate in household tasks normally taken up by you. Convey to your spouse, how you would like them to step up. Accept the incomplete participation from your children instead of focusing on things they didn’t do right. By being more aware of your expectations, reducing them, and communicating these with your family, you lower the possibilities of conflict.

None of us have a handbook on how to deal with this situation. All we have is our constantly evolving and adaptable selves to rely on. Being kind to yourself, setting yourself up for success with realistic expectations, and celebrating the little victories along the way will keep you looking forwards and upwards.

By

Dr. Mona Shah

Occupational Therapist, Clinical Psychologist.